I really got to thinking this past week as the kids around my neighborhood headed back to school, that this is the first time in my life when I will not be joining them. I am a college graduate. While my degree hangs on my wall, and has been hanging there for over a month, it just now really occurred to me what it truly means. I don't have to go back to school. Whether I will choose to or not is still an option that I am seriously considering, but at this point in time I am no pursuing. I am now part of the 'real' world so to speak. I have graduated from post-secondary education and have the skills to pursue full time employment and spend the rest of my days until retirement working. And while this is a huge feat of accomplishment I found myself lamenting that I would not be returning to school. I am actually finding myself missing the fact that I do not have to go to classes or study or do things like write 20 page papers on topics I may or may not have a true interest in.
But why? Is it because I really want to attend school or is it because I fear where my life is headed at this particular moment. Am I overwhelmed with the job that I have taken on? I think it is a little of both. I love to learn and I want to pursue at least a few more courses that will better prepare me for where I want to go. However, I also believe that my longing comes from the fact that being at school feels so carefree. you don't really have a lot of worries except what homework you need to complete when, and maybe a part time job. But working full time seems to be much harder than I really imagined. Maybe because my last foray into the 'working world' at CMT was so exciting and stimulating. I LOVED going into work everyday because I loved being able to work in an industry that was fascinating to me. And maybe as an intern I never saw the real "work" part of it, but I at the end I was so sad to leave. Now, I have this full-time job, but it just doesn't bring me the same joy as other jobs that I could imagine having. I am not thrilled to go to work everyday. In fact I find myself faking my enthusiasm to be there most of the time, while in the back of my mind I am counting down the time until I can leave. It is physically and mentally exhausting because I have to 'on' all the time. Interacting with everyone who enters the building, and never sitting down except during the lunch break (and sometimes even not then). 10 - 12 hours, four days a week. And maybe I should leave, find something that I could really thrive at, and want to do, but at the moment it is good steady work and I have no other options at the moment, and I feel like the worst possible thing would be to leave before I have an alternative. So I guess instead of sitting here lamenting my school days I should be actively pursuing the job that would fuel my passion. Make me want to work long hours and not be spending all my time at something that doesn't touch me and make me want to contribute. It's even harder because everyone else at my job seems to LOVE it so much. They treat everything that we do as if it is the most important thing in the world. And for them it is, and that's great. But I don't see it as the greatest thing in the world. It is certainly important and I am glad there are people like those that I work with out there, I really do, but I would rather be reaching out to people in a different way. So maybe I should focus on that, and when I have that answer, hopefully everything else will fall into place.
