I'd much rather be in Nashville.

I don’t think my mom fully realizes how much I NEED to move to Nashville. Like it isn’t just a whim that I want to jump on because it is what the ‘cool’ kids are doing. I have a deep unceasing, yearning NEED to be in Nashville. I am not delusional into thinking that it is going to be easy or that I am going to be working full time in music by this time next year. But I also know that I have been out of school for over a year and I am still not even in a position that will help me get where I want to be. The music scene is in Nashville. I can’t get involved in the music business if I am not going to shows and making connections. And all the good shows are in Nashville, but she doesn’t like me spending the money and gas it takes to drive up to Nashville every couple weeks to go to shows. But yet she is opposed to me moving there. All the money I have spent in gas over the past 6-8 months driving back and forth to Nashville probably could’ve paid for at least one months rent. Which I know is weak in comparison, but I would probably be closer to my dream than I am. PLUS, I don’t think she sees how much I loathe my job. I wanted to quit so many times because I just don’t think that I am cut out for the job and I don’t find joy in what I do, and it really just stresses me the hell out. But every time I bring this up with her, she tells me to pray about it and stick it out for “a little longer.” I know that staying with a job for a longer period of time shows potential employers that you are committed and what not, but the fact that I have made it this long is a fucking achievement considering I wanted to quit back in like September/October but I stayed. Mostly because my mom wanted me to and partly because the office I worked in was understaffed and I didn’t want to leave them with a bigger burden than they already had. And while my leaving now that we are “fully staffed” would be a burden on them I think it would be less of a burden than it was a few months ago because I am actually only in the office 2 days a week so I know they can function without me. I tried to talk to her about it again tonight because I had a really bad day at work and she’s like “I know where you are coming from but you should really stay for a least a year, so that would be in July, so we can talk about it then.” HOW ABOUT NO!!! I am almost 23 so I thing I should just make my own decision and if she can’t respect it, than whatever. I missed what would have been a GREAT marketing/networking opportunity (plus a really AWESOME show) because I am actually trying to do well at my job even though I hate it so instead of going to Nashville and hang out with the only friends I have down here I went to work for 6 1/2 hours and it was a waste of fucking time. I am so sick of it. I should have just moved to Nashville last summer when I graduated instead of moving back home. I think I would have been a lot happier. I HATE that I feel so depressed and worthless all the time, because I feel like I used to be such a happy person. Maybe it is part of growing up, but why should un-happiness be part of being an adult? Are we not allowed to have fun anymore? Are we not allowed to live out our dreams? I think I am going to wallow in some ice cream and pray that something good can still be redeemed from this shitty weekend. 

Sometimes when I am getting ready to go bed my mind starts racing with a million thoughts and I begin to worry about my future. Dread fills me up and my heart pounds against my chest and my anxiety just takes over my entire being. I try to be a positive person and try to make every situation worth something to me. Whether it be a lesson learned, never to be repeated or something to add to my skills, talents, or knowledge. But I have found it so hard to do lately, which means that more of my nights have been filled with this anxiety and dread than normal. I have been out of school for almost a year and yet I am still not heading in the direction that I want to go. There is a part of me that wishes that instead of moving home like my parents insisted that I moved to Nashville and made my job search there. Although I don't know if I would be in a different situation than I am now, I have a distinct feeling that I would at least be closer to my goals than not. Because now, I feel stuck.
I am getting reliant on my parents for many things instead of trying to make it on my own. And while I will soon be venturing more on my own when my dad signs over my car to me (and all the responsibilities that go along with that) I am still pretty dependent on them for the majority of my livelihood. I don't pay rent or buy the majority of the food I consume and I certainly don't pay for my entertainment (internet/cable).
I also feel stuck at my job. Despite the fact that I get no real joy from my job I can't bring myself to leave it. 1) Because I have no alternative at this time and 2) I'd HATE to disappoint both my parents and employers. My employers most of all, because they have basically stuck their necks on the line for me with this job because the alternative was probably to fire me in my old position. Instead they assessed my strengths and offered me a position that more played to them. They know that I don't want to work with them in the long run, and they still have great faith in me to do a good job for them. How could I then look them in the eye and just leave? It would be one thing if an opportunity came up that I absolutely couldn't turn down, but what I am thinking of doing, just dropping everything here and moving to Nashville in June (or sooner... I don't even know if I can wait until June anymore) seems to me to be disrespectful. It would be like, "Thanks for thinking of me and giving me a new opportunity, but I think I am just going to move to Nashville and try to break into the music business." I just don't even know anymore.
I also have this fear of disappointing my parents. And even though they constantly tell me that they will be proud of me and support me no matter what I constantly worry about failing their expectations. This worry and anxiety and really phobia of not living up to my parent's expectations has plagued me since high school. It would plague me before every test and every major assignment in school and now here it is plaguing me as I contemplate my life decisions. Decisions that really shouldn't affect them, because ultimately it should be about what make me happy, but I still worry. ALL THE TIME.
I try to pray and ask for guidance but so far, nothing has changed. I don't feel a sense of peace that my current situation is where I am supposed to be, but I also don't see any alternatives. But maybe that's the point. Maybe since my dissatisfaction seems to just worsen, THAT is my sign to make the change. Maybe I am not supposed to have an alternative yet, but instead just go with my gut, make the move and the rest will follow. But then I come back to the part where I am scared to just drop everything that surrounds me now and go into the "unknown" with no one by my side.
This is the cycle my brain goes on. Over and over, usually until the sweet relief of exhaustion wins out. However, if my dreams reflect my circling thoughts, usually when I wake up I am just as exhausted. *sigh*