Nashville Life...

I have now officially lived in Nashville for one month. Most days it still feels slightly unreal. I find myself driving downtown for a chiropractor appointment, or hear a "Nashville" ad on the radio and I am hit with the fact that I LIVE HERE. It's kinda crazy. I have worked so hard over the past year and kept hoping and dreaming that I would find my way here, and now here I am in a pretty easy routine of Nashville living. I only work part-time at the mall right now, but I keep sending out my resume and looking for opportunities that can get me closer to my dream. I talk about my future plans with anyone who asks (and even sometimes those who don't) because I am constantly finding that even those whom I wouldn't expect seem to have connections (no matter how small) with the music industry.

Just last weekend I was able to meet Christa Black a singer/songwriter/author/musician whom I have admired for quite awhile and we had a nice little chat about the music industry. She told me it was hard work (which I knew) but that if it was I am really passionate about, learning from the ground up is actually a smart move. She told me about a friend of hers who offered her services to any band who would take them and was recently hired at one of the biggest artist management groups in Nashville. So I am not going to give up!!

I also love, love, love the girls I am living with. I am actually the oldest amongst us all, so sometimes I feel like the 'mom' of the group, but we all get along so well and have developed such an easy friendship despite the fact that the majority of us only met in person the day we all moved in. It almost feels like being back in college at times, just without the classes. Outside of work, we all hang out watching TV/Movies and showing each other funny things on the internet. I couldn't ask for better 'partners in crime' for this crazy adventure we are on: chasing our dreams.

Of course I still look forward to the day when I really get to working with musicians and doing what I love, but for now I so content with what I am doing. I love the store I work at at the mall and although I have only worked there for a month, they are considering me for a sales lead position which would mean more hours & a pay raise! Life in Nashville is so grand.

Life is Funny Sometimes....

The last few weeks have been crazy. I have seen emotional highs and emotional lows and have shed many tears, sometimes fo no real reason at all. It has been a time of a lot of prayer and many late nights talking things out with friends and family members. But today, as everything reached a semi-conclusion I can honestly say that I believe everything that I have gone through in the last week or so has been worth it because of the outcome I have reached today. I feel blessed to know that God is in control of my life and although I have often questioned his timing as of late, he truly does know best and this has all worked out at just the right time.

So, for quite a long time I have not felt satisfied at my job, but I have stayed because I knew that God wanted me there for a reason, even if I couldn't see it at the time. But more and more I felt like everyday was an uphill climb and the more I tried to push myself, the closer I came to breaking down. I knew that I was disappointing my boss, but more so I was dissapointing myself beause I hate failing others. But at the same time, I felt that I was trying too hard to be someone I clearly wasn't and I didn't want to have to change myself for anyone or any job. But I wasn't exactly sure what to do about it. When I asked for advice, more often than not I was reminded to pray about my circumstances and wait for God to work it out to his will. So I persevered and went to work everyday and tried to do my very best, and I waited for God to reveal his plan to me.

Last week it all kind of reached a head, when after a really rough day at work in which I felt like a complete failure to my employer and came home a emotional wreck did I start to see that even in this really low point did God have his hands in every situation. After a very rough couple of days where I wasn't even sure if I could make it to the end of the day, the bosses' wife sat me down to talk about 'where I was' because she said I seemed 'out of it'. I won't rehash the entire conversation but the gist is that during this long talk, where both of us cried a bit, she started saying things that seemed to be speaking to things that I had buried deep within my heart while working there. Now a week or so after that talk (and several more private talks with both her & my boss) we have mutally come to the conclusion that this job is not where God wants me to be anymore, and that we are mutally stifling each other. I am stifiling their business because I can't operate on the higher level that they are demanding of me, and they are stifling me from achieving the goals I want to, i.e. move to Nashville in August and pursue my dream of working in music. However at the same time they have stated how much they value my loyalty to them this entire time and have offered for me to work for them in a more personal manner for the rest of the summer as their nanny, so BONUS!! 

God really does work everything out in his time! So in about a month I will phase completely out of working in the office and transition to taking care of their kids and doing 'errands' for them, which I am completely okay with. Today I left work feeling completely at ease about the decision we came to, and I feel like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders. Thank you to any of you who have been praying alongside me that something would be worked out, because today all those prayers were answered. :) 

And for those of you who didn't know, YES I am moving to Nashville either the 2nd or 3rd week of August (probably whenever the kids I will now be nannying for go back to school). I don't know what I will be doing job wise but I almost have my living situation worked out, and I know that God will take care of the rest. :) 

I'd much rather be in Nashville.

I don’t think my mom fully realizes how much I NEED to move to Nashville. Like it isn’t just a whim that I want to jump on because it is what the ‘cool’ kids are doing. I have a deep unceasing, yearning NEED to be in Nashville. I am not delusional into thinking that it is going to be easy or that I am going to be working full time in music by this time next year. But I also know that I have been out of school for over a year and I am still not even in a position that will help me get where I want to be. The music scene is in Nashville. I can’t get involved in the music business if I am not going to shows and making connections. And all the good shows are in Nashville, but she doesn’t like me spending the money and gas it takes to drive up to Nashville every couple weeks to go to shows. But yet she is opposed to me moving there. All the money I have spent in gas over the past 6-8 months driving back and forth to Nashville probably could’ve paid for at least one months rent. Which I know is weak in comparison, but I would probably be closer to my dream than I am. PLUS, I don’t think she sees how much I loathe my job. I wanted to quit so many times because I just don’t think that I am cut out for the job and I don’t find joy in what I do, and it really just stresses me the hell out. But every time I bring this up with her, she tells me to pray about it and stick it out for “a little longer.” I know that staying with a job for a longer period of time shows potential employers that you are committed and what not, but the fact that I have made it this long is a fucking achievement considering I wanted to quit back in like September/October but I stayed. Mostly because my mom wanted me to and partly because the office I worked in was understaffed and I didn’t want to leave them with a bigger burden than they already had. And while my leaving now that we are “fully staffed” would be a burden on them I think it would be less of a burden than it was a few months ago because I am actually only in the office 2 days a week so I know they can function without me. I tried to talk to her about it again tonight because I had a really bad day at work and she’s like “I know where you are coming from but you should really stay for a least a year, so that would be in July, so we can talk about it then.” HOW ABOUT NO!!! I am almost 23 so I thing I should just make my own decision and if she can’t respect it, than whatever. I missed what would have been a GREAT marketing/networking opportunity (plus a really AWESOME show) because I am actually trying to do well at my job even though I hate it so instead of going to Nashville and hang out with the only friends I have down here I went to work for 6 1/2 hours and it was a waste of fucking time. I am so sick of it. I should have just moved to Nashville last summer when I graduated instead of moving back home. I think I would have been a lot happier. I HATE that I feel so depressed and worthless all the time, because I feel like I used to be such a happy person. Maybe it is part of growing up, but why should un-happiness be part of being an adult? Are we not allowed to have fun anymore? Are we not allowed to live out our dreams? I think I am going to wallow in some ice cream and pray that something good can still be redeemed from this shitty weekend. 

Sometimes when I am getting ready to go bed my mind starts racing with a million thoughts and I begin to worry about my future. Dread fills me up and my heart pounds against my chest and my anxiety just takes over my entire being. I try to be a positive person and try to make every situation worth something to me. Whether it be a lesson learned, never to be repeated or something to add to my skills, talents, or knowledge. But I have found it so hard to do lately, which means that more of my nights have been filled with this anxiety and dread than normal. I have been out of school for almost a year and yet I am still not heading in the direction that I want to go. There is a part of me that wishes that instead of moving home like my parents insisted that I moved to Nashville and made my job search there. Although I don't know if I would be in a different situation than I am now, I have a distinct feeling that I would at least be closer to my goals than not. Because now, I feel stuck.
I am getting reliant on my parents for many things instead of trying to make it on my own. And while I will soon be venturing more on my own when my dad signs over my car to me (and all the responsibilities that go along with that) I am still pretty dependent on them for the majority of my livelihood. I don't pay rent or buy the majority of the food I consume and I certainly don't pay for my entertainment (internet/cable).
I also feel stuck at my job. Despite the fact that I get no real joy from my job I can't bring myself to leave it. 1) Because I have no alternative at this time and 2) I'd HATE to disappoint both my parents and employers. My employers most of all, because they have basically stuck their necks on the line for me with this job because the alternative was probably to fire me in my old position. Instead they assessed my strengths and offered me a position that more played to them. They know that I don't want to work with them in the long run, and they still have great faith in me to do a good job for them. How could I then look them in the eye and just leave? It would be one thing if an opportunity came up that I absolutely couldn't turn down, but what I am thinking of doing, just dropping everything here and moving to Nashville in June (or sooner... I don't even know if I can wait until June anymore) seems to me to be disrespectful. It would be like, "Thanks for thinking of me and giving me a new opportunity, but I think I am just going to move to Nashville and try to break into the music business." I just don't even know anymore.
I also have this fear of disappointing my parents. And even though they constantly tell me that they will be proud of me and support me no matter what I constantly worry about failing their expectations. This worry and anxiety and really phobia of not living up to my parent's expectations has plagued me since high school. It would plague me before every test and every major assignment in school and now here it is plaguing me as I contemplate my life decisions. Decisions that really shouldn't affect them, because ultimately it should be about what make me happy, but I still worry. ALL THE TIME.
I try to pray and ask for guidance but so far, nothing has changed. I don't feel a sense of peace that my current situation is where I am supposed to be, but I also don't see any alternatives. But maybe that's the point. Maybe since my dissatisfaction seems to just worsen, THAT is my sign to make the change. Maybe I am not supposed to have an alternative yet, but instead just go with my gut, make the move and the rest will follow. But then I come back to the part where I am scared to just drop everything that surrounds me now and go into the "unknown" with no one by my side.
This is the cycle my brain goes on. Over and over, usually until the sweet relief of exhaustion wins out. However, if my dreams reflect my circling thoughts, usually when I wake up I am just as exhausted. *sigh*

What Am I Doing???

I feel so lost and confused most of my waking hours. I am working at a job that I only tolerate, and am doing little to nothing to improve my current situation. I go to work, smile for 10 hours while inside I am dying, come home, eat dinner and sleep. So why do I stay? I could say that I stay for my co-workers because that would be mostly true. The four ladies that I work with (and even the bosses wife when she isn't reprimanding anyone) are WONDERFUL. They really do make my job worthwhile most of the time. But I am realizing that I am just not that good at what I am currently doing. I am doing a passable job I would say, but I don't think I am great or even fantastic. If this was a grade in Harry Potter I think I would be doing my job at an A level (Acceptable for those non Potter heads). On a good number of days I would probably even give myself and E (exceeds expectations) but NEVER an O (outstanding). And maybe it is because I really don't want to be doing it. But even things that I don't want to do I should be giving 110% because that is just the person I am. So why am I failing to do so many things on my job? Why am I swamped in tasks? And why does no one around me seem to notice? And now, just today I came to the realization that I failed to do something pretty major at work and the consequences of this are going to affect a lot of people, and most importantly could cause a family of patients to lose their trust in us! I have a huge knot in my stomach, and have a feeling that I won't be getting much sleep tonight because now I will have to go into work tomorrow and confess to what has happened, what I have allowed to happen, and I have no solution on how to fix it without our clinic looking really bad. I don't really even know what to say to my boss or my co-workers and I just dread that I could get fired. (Although I wouldn't blame them if they did). Although most of the time I don't feel like this job is where I really belong, I still don't want to be fired. And at the same time, I have a secondary feeling that there is SOME reason why I am still working at this job, despite the fact that I haven't really felt connected to this job from the beginning, because despite my best efforts I can not find a job doing what I really want to do. So here I sit, not knowing which direction I am headed, nor which direction I am supposed to be heading. It is like I am floating in a abyss. And I just want out.