Where I Belong....not here.

After you graduate you'd think that you should know what it is that you you want to do in life. Afterall you have spent four years at university figuring out who you are and what you're passionate about. Yet here I am, five months out of university and completely lost. Sure, I have a full time job that pays well but sometimes that and my co-workers seem to be the only pros to my current job. And I never wanted to be one of those people who stayed at a job simply because it payed well. I would rather make less money doing a job I LOVE that being payed really well doing a job I only tolerate. And this is definitely the point I seem to be at. I have no passion for the job I am doing. Which sucks when all your co-workers seem to thrive and love what they do. Although, at the moment I honestly feel like none of us want to be there because we are all burnt out. We have been operating for close to three months short-staffed while continuing becoming busier and busier. Since I have started working our patient visits have increased pretty much every week. Meaning we are seeing more patients than we can probably handle at our current staffing arrangements so we are all working overtime just to simply function, and I am tired of all of it. I am tired of bringing my work home with me. Tired of being criticized and feeling inadequate in my job everyday because 1) I wasn't trained properly and 2) I just don't feel the same passion that they want me to portray. They tell me to speak and act from my heart, but I am sure that what my heart would tell me to say is not what they would have me say. Most of the time I dread even answering the phone because I am not sure what to tell the patients on the other end of the phone. And it doesn't matter that we train on situations all the time, when the time comes, my mind goes completely blank and I usually, probably, say the wrong thing. Each day I feel like I am painting a smile on my face, and suffer through the day, counting down the minutes until I can go home. But even when I am home I can't even relax. I find myself worrying about situations that arose at work and how I might have handled them better, or did I remember to do such - and - such. All the stress is really taking its toll. I have had a cold on and off for about a month now, and I feel isolated from my family since I am working all the time. When I come home I am so exhausted I usually go straight to my room and crawl into bed, I don't feel like this is fair. Eat, sleep, work. Day in and day out. Even the weekends bring no relief because I have to catch up on things that didn't get accomplished during the week, laundry, cleaning etc. I am so tired of feeling tired. So tired of feeling stressed. I know that perhaps I should consult with my employers about how I am feeling but there is a part of me that doesn't want to disappoint them. But I feel like I am drowning. And what makes the feeling worse is that I feel like I am just below the surface. I can see the light dancing across the surface of the water, but I cannot swim the few feet to the surface and take the life-givig breath of air. I have this feeling that there is something better waiting for me just out of reach. The air that will fill my lungs is still just beyond the surface of my situation. If only I could take the risk. I know that somethings will never happen unless we make them happen, but it is hard to just leave everything behind and jump. But what is life without a few risks? That my friends is the true question....