Sometimes when I am getting ready to go bed my mind starts racing with a million thoughts and I begin to worry about my future. Dread fills me up and my heart pounds against my chest and my anxiety just takes over my entire being. I try to be a positive person and try to make every situation worth something to me. Whether it be a lesson learned, never to be repeated or something to add to my skills, talents, or knowledge. But I have found it so hard to do lately, which means that more of my nights have been filled with this anxiety and dread than normal. I have been out of school for almost a year and yet I am still not heading in the direction that I want to go. There is a part of me that wishes that instead of moving home like my parents insisted that I moved to Nashville and made my job search there. Although I don't know if I would be in a different situation than I am now, I have a distinct feeling that I would at least be closer to my goals than not. Because now, I feel stuck.
I am getting reliant on my parents for many things instead of trying to make it on my own. And while I will soon be venturing more on my own when my dad signs over my car to me (and all the responsibilities that go along with that) I am still pretty dependent on them for the majority of my livelihood. I don't pay rent or buy the majority of the food I consume and I certainly don't pay for my entertainment (internet/cable).
I also feel stuck at my job. Despite the fact that I get no real joy from my job I can't bring myself to leave it. 1) Because I have no alternative at this time and 2) I'd HATE to disappoint both my parents and employers. My employers most of all, because they have basically stuck their necks on the line for me with this job because the alternative was probably to fire me in my old position. Instead they assessed my strengths and offered me a position that more played to them. They know that I don't want to work with them in the long run, and they still have great faith in me to do a good job for them. How could I then look them in the eye and just leave? It would be one thing if an opportunity came up that I absolutely couldn't turn down, but what I am thinking of doing, just dropping everything here and moving to Nashville in June (or sooner... I don't even know if I can wait until June anymore) seems to me to be disrespectful. It would be like, "Thanks for thinking of me and giving me a new opportunity, but I think I am just going to move to Nashville and try to break into the music business." I just don't even know anymore.
I also have this fear of disappointing my parents. And even though they constantly tell me that they will be proud of me and support me no matter what I constantly worry about failing their expectations. This worry and anxiety and really phobia of not living up to my parent's expectations has plagued me since high school. It would plague me before every test and every major assignment in school and now here it is plaguing me as I contemplate my life decisions. Decisions that really shouldn't affect them, because ultimately it should be about what make me happy, but I still worry. ALL THE TIME.
I try to pray and ask for guidance but so far, nothing has changed. I don't feel a sense of peace that my current situation is where I am supposed to be, but I also don't see any alternatives. But maybe that's the point. Maybe since my dissatisfaction seems to just worsen, THAT is my sign to make the change. Maybe I am not supposed to have an alternative yet, but instead just go with my gut, make the move and the rest will follow. But then I come back to the part where I am scared to just drop everything that surrounds me now and go into the "unknown" with no one by my side.
This is the cycle my brain goes on. Over and over, usually until the sweet relief of exhaustion wins out. However, if my dreams reflect my circling thoughts, usually when I wake up I am just as exhausted. *sigh*