I'd much rather be in Nashville.

I don’t think my mom fully realizes how much I NEED to move to Nashville. Like it isn’t just a whim that I want to jump on because it is what the ‘cool’ kids are doing. I have a deep unceasing, yearning NEED to be in Nashville. I am not delusional into thinking that it is going to be easy or that I am going to be working full time in music by this time next year. But I also know that I have been out of school for over a year and I am still not even in a position that will help me get where I want to be. The music scene is in Nashville. I can’t get involved in the music business if I am not going to shows and making connections. And all the good shows are in Nashville, but she doesn’t like me spending the money and gas it takes to drive up to Nashville every couple weeks to go to shows. But yet she is opposed to me moving there. All the money I have spent in gas over the past 6-8 months driving back and forth to Nashville probably could’ve paid for at least one months rent. Which I know is weak in comparison, but I would probably be closer to my dream than I am. PLUS, I don’t think she sees how much I loathe my job. I wanted to quit so many times because I just don’t think that I am cut out for the job and I don’t find joy in what I do, and it really just stresses me the hell out. But every time I bring this up with her, she tells me to pray about it and stick it out for “a little longer.” I know that staying with a job for a longer period of time shows potential employers that you are committed and what not, but the fact that I have made it this long is a fucking achievement considering I wanted to quit back in like September/October but I stayed. Mostly because my mom wanted me to and partly because the office I worked in was understaffed and I didn’t want to leave them with a bigger burden than they already had. And while my leaving now that we are “fully staffed” would be a burden on them I think it would be less of a burden than it was a few months ago because I am actually only in the office 2 days a week so I know they can function without me. I tried to talk to her about it again tonight because I had a really bad day at work and she’s like “I know where you are coming from but you should really stay for a least a year, so that would be in July, so we can talk about it then.” HOW ABOUT NO!!! I am almost 23 so I thing I should just make my own decision and if she can’t respect it, than whatever. I missed what would have been a GREAT marketing/networking opportunity (plus a really AWESOME show) because I am actually trying to do well at my job even though I hate it so instead of going to Nashville and hang out with the only friends I have down here I went to work for 6 1/2 hours and it was a waste of fucking time. I am so sick of it. I should have just moved to Nashville last summer when I graduated instead of moving back home. I think I would have been a lot happier. I HATE that I feel so depressed and worthless all the time, because I feel like I used to be such a happy person. Maybe it is part of growing up, but why should un-happiness be part of being an adult? Are we not allowed to have fun anymore? Are we not allowed to live out our dreams? I think I am going to wallow in some ice cream and pray that something good can still be redeemed from this shitty weekend.